


Call me maybe

by Sonamae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 4am writing, Fluff, Gift Fic, M/M, One Shot, One sided Dirk/Jake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2012-07-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 11:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonamae/pseuds/Sonamae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doomed time line. Dirk loses Jake to Jane and in his utter depression finds out maybe he's been barking up the wrong tree all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Call me maybe

**Author's Note:**

> So this was written for Dirk, over on tumblr --> http://ask-di-stri.tumblr.com/   
> Pretty much it was four in the morning, I was bored, he was there, I said 'Let me write for you' and he gave me an idea.  
> I'm not even sorry.
> 
> Enjoy whatever the hell this is that was so much fun to write.

GT: I mean do you like me as more than a friend?  
GT: Do you envision us as like...  
GT: An item? A romantic pairing of sorts?  
GG: Wow, um.  
GT: Is that the direction in which you would prefer our relationship to progress?  
GG: Well,  
GG: I  
GT: Please! Be honest with me jane.  
GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me?  
  
  Fuck.  Twisted fucking hell and a tight rope.  Christ and all the other swear words say no, say god damn no!  
  
GG: Actually...  
  
  Oh god.  
  
GT: Yeah?  
  
  Say no Crocker!  
  
GG: Yes  
GG: I do  
GT: Gosh and a golly i think this is perfect!  
  
  Fuck all the god damn things so hard they splinter reality!  Dirk can't read it anymore, he tugs his shades off and for a moment is tempted to throw them across the room until they shatter against the far wall.  It's only a moment though, instead he sets them down on his dresser and leaves the room.  Fuck asking Roxy to hack into things, fuck reading things, fuck Jane and Jake and everyone and fuck himself.  
  
\--  
  
  Dirk spends an entire week ignoring all messages from his friends, even Roxy.  He knows she didn't go into the talk with any intention of hurting him in the long run, but he's still upset.  He's sick and tired of the outside world and it's obvious, so obvious that Squarewave doesn't even try to battle him.  He just sits in the corner and practices, every now and then he brings him food or reminds him human beings need to power down at night or they'll turn off for good.  
  
  Dirk doesn't want to reread the pink text or typos, doesn't want to read the blue excitement from someone he thought knew him better.  He especially doesn't ever want to read green text ever again.  
  
  But even then he does, he may be upset but he still reads it.  It hurts like a fucking stab wound.  An underwater car exploding because he fucked up and now there's shrapnel wedged into his hip and a salt water infection.  Nothing he can do but lay in bed until it gets better, pray that it even does.  
  
  He's almost tempted to pick up drinking just to see what the fuck Roxy is on about when she swoons over a bottle of repressing feelings.  The temptation goes away when she texts him asking if he's there or not because his auto responder is being cagey.  He blocks her and watches as AR unblocks her and drags her into a private chat pretending to be himself.  Roxy knows better, or she should.  
  
  Really though, Dirk is angry.  
  
  Dirk is angry and this isn't fair.  He opens up his contacts and reads them over until he just opens one at random.  
  
  
timaeusTestified [TT] began jeering undyingUmbrage [uu]  
  
TT: Hey.  
  
  What is he doing?  
  
TT: Why is it you're never online when I want to talk?  
TT: Is that some alien thing?  
TT: Some art of trolling bullshit?  
uu: BuSY.  
TT: Doing what?  
TT: Dude talk to me.  
uu: PLAYING CHESS, NOW SHuT THE FuCK uP.  
TT: Chess?  
TT: Really?  
TT: Chess?  
uu: WHEN DID YOu TuRN INTO A MOCKBEAST?  
TT: Like, across all the expanse of time and space you have to look through, every tantalizing second you can see, and you decide to be busy with chess?  
TT: Wait.  
TT: Is it wizards chess?  
TT: Tell me it's wizards chess.  
uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS THAT?  
TT: Oh that is so lame.  
TT: How do you not know what wizards chess is?  
TT: You're from the future.  
TT: And an alien.  
TT: Okay so maybe the alien thing can excuse you.  
TT: But still.  
TT: Not cool.  
uu: IS THERE A POINT TO THIS STRIDER?  I ACTuALLY HAVE THINGS TO KILL, PLOTS TO DRAW.  
TT: You suck at drawing.  
UU: EXuSE ME???  
TT: You read me.  
TT: You.  
TT: Suck.  
TT: At.  
TT: Drawing.  
TT: And you're always going on about killing shit.  
TT: Laying down some sick nasty law of rage and wrath and bathing in the blood of nun virgins.  
uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS A NuN?  AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TODAY?  
TT: I bet it's all bullshit.  
TT: Just like you.  
TT: Just like everything you say.  
TT: Because you're a lier.  
TT: A big fat space alien lier.  
TT: I bet you're not even fat.  
uu: ALRIGHT, WHO PISSED IN YOuR HuMAN BREAKFAST FLAKES THIS MORNING?  
  
  Dirk took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes.  
  
TT: Reality.  
TT: Reality fucking hiked up her skirts.  
TT: Pulled down her panties.  
TT: Climbed on my fucking breakfast table.  
TT: And pissed in my breakfast flakes.  
TT: Shit, now I want cereal.  
TT: You're a cruel man.  
TT: How can I want cereal with all this pissing talk.  
TT: Are you giving me one of your weird fucking fetishes?  
TT: I fucking hope not.  
uu: ALRIGHT YOu FuCKING SLuDGE CARCASS, I DIDN'T uNDERSTAND THE MAJORITY OF ANY OF THAT, SO LET ME SET SOME PINS IN THIS TWISTED ASS BILLBOARD.  
uu: YOu'RE HAVING A SHITTY DAY, FROM WHAT I GATHER, THIS REQuIRES MY ATTENTION FOR SOME uNKNOWN REASON.  
uu: YOu DRAG ME AWAY FROM A LIFE OR DEATH CHESS MATCH.  
TT: Which was dumb.  
uu: SHuT uP!  
uu: I AM TALKING.  
uu: YOu DRAG ME AWAY JuST TO BABBLE.  
uu: uNLIKE YOu, STRIDER.  
uu: I ACTuALLY HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO BE DOING.  
uu: SO YOu CAN EITHER TELL ME WHAT.  
uu: THE.  
uu: FuCK.  
uu: IS uP.  
uu: OR YOu CAN WAIT uNTIL I uNBLOCK YOU.  
uu: YOu HAVE FOuR MINuTES TO DECIDE.  
TT: So what, this is like total countdown now?  
TT: Or whatever?  
TT: Fuck man.  
TT: What is that show called?  
TT: You know the one.  
uu: NO I DON'T.  
TT: The one where shit happens.  
TT: And there's a clock.  
uu: OH HERE WE GO.  
TT: And you have to save the world before the clock goes off.  
uu: YOu'RE REFERENCING YOu'RE ENTIRE LIFE.  
TT: It is just like that movie.  
TT: That movie with the name I can't remember.  
TT: My fate.  
TT: Hanging in the balance.  
TT: Of your little angry claws.  
TT: There should be a car chase.  
uu: STRIDER.  
TT: And a piano falling on someone.  
TT: And puppets.  
uu: STRIDER I'M SERIOuS.  
TT: Can I be Drew Barrymore?  
TT: Woman was hot.  
TT: She always got the man of her dreams.  
uu: STRIDER TELL ME WHAT THE FuCK IS GOING ON!  
TT: Oh.  
TT: That.  
TT: Right.  
uu: WELL?  I WILL BLOCK YOu.  
TT: I'm not Drew.  
TT: I never will be.  
TT: I don't have the thighs for it.  
uu: YOu HAVE LOST YOuR MIND.  
TT: Jane has the thighs for it.  
TT: And the face.  
TT: And the breasts.  
TT: And the aligned gender.  
TT: She is the circle peg in the circle slot.  
TT: I'm a square.  
TT: Oh my god I'm a square peg.  
TT: I am a square peg and she's a circle.  
uu: I'M NOT SuRE IF THIS IS A METEPHORE ANYMORE OR IF YOu'VE JuST GONE OFF THE DEEP END RIGHT ABOuT NOW.  
TT: He's a slot!  
uu: WAS THAT A TYPO?  
TT: He's always been a slot.  
TT: And I've been a peg.  
uu: SO NOT A TYPO THEN.  
TT: I want to put my peg in his slot.  
uu: uMM.  
TT: But it won't fit!  
uu: STRIDER.  
TT: Because I'm a boy and she's a girl!  
TT: And Jake's a giant tool and I loved him!  
TT: Still do but I don't want to!  
TT: No.  
TT: Wait yes.  
uu: SO THIS ENTIRE LIFE ALERT THAT HAD TO BE HELD WITHIN MY PRESENSE WAS ABOuT JAKE ENGLISH?  
uu: JAKE.  
uu: FuCKING.  
uu: ENGLISH?  
uu: STRIDER, LET ME TELL YOu ABOuT JAKE ENGLISH.  
TT: Oh how delightful.  
TT: Story time.  
uu: I'M ABOuT TO SHOVE THIS STORY uP YOuR WASTE CHuTE, SHuT uP AND READ.  
uu: JAKE ENGLISH IS NOTHING BuT A THICKSKuLLED MORON.  
uu: ONE SO OBLIVIOuS TO THE WORLD AROuND HIM THAT HE MAKES ME VOMIT AND THEN SWALLOW IT SO I CAN DIGEST THE PAIN TWICE!  
uu: ENGLISH WOuLDN'T SEE A GOOD THING IF HE ASKED IT TO BITE HIM ON THE ASS.  
TT: Kinky.  
uu: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOu ABOuT TALKING?  
uu: ANYWAY.  
uu: ALSO HE'S A DIRTY ROTTON SWAG STEALER.  
uu: THAT SKuLL TOP?  
uu: FuCK HIM!  
uu: THAT'S MY GOD DAMN HEAD!  
TT: Really?  
TT: That must make things awkward.  
uu: STRIDER FOR ALL YOu HOLD DEAR TAPE IT SHuT.  
uu: I WILL NOT TELL YOu THIS AGAIN, ONE MORE OuTBuRST AND I WILL LEAVE.  
uu: uNDERSTAND?  
TT: Yeah.  I do.  
TT: Go ahead with the English bashing.  
uu: OH THE BASHING WILL CONTINuE.  
uu: I AM NOT ANYWHERE NEAR FINISHED.  
uu: ENGLISH HAS A REPLICA OF MY SWAGGER.  
uu: ***MY*** SWAGGER THAT FuCKER!!!  
uu: HE'S EITHER MY SOuL STALKER.  
uu: OR A COMPLETE DICK.  
uu: YOu CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT WITH YOuR EYES CLOSED.  
uu: YOu ARE BETTER THAN THAT.  
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT YOu'RE TALKING ABOuT WHEN YOu TALK.  
uu: YOu KEEP YOuRSELF PRIORITIZED.  
uu: HELL.  
uu: YOu APPEASE ME WHEN I WANT TO PLAY GAMES FOR FuCKS SAKE.  
uu: YOu'RE THE ONLY HuMAN I THINK I CAN EVEN STAND!  
uu: WHICH IS SAYING A LOT.  
TT: Dude, is this going where I think it's going?  
uu: YOu CAN DO BETTER THAN JAKE ENGLISH.  
TT: Oh my god it is.  
TT: You're going there.  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.  
TT: ... what kind of game?  
uu: THE KIND WHERE YOu HAVE TO BE VERY OPEN MINDED.  
TT: Are you confessing to me?  
uu: FuCK YOu STRIDER.  
TT: Dude, uu, I'm blushing right now.  
uu: I HATE YOu.  PLATONICLY.  
TT: No I mean legit blushing!  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
TT: Call me.  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] unblocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
uu: NO.  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
TT: Then wait for me.  
TT: Give me time baby.  
TT: Because time is on our side.  
TT: Just like that song.  
TT: You know the one.  
TT: Just give me time.  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] unblocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
uu: OH MY GOD SHuT uP.  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
TT: I love you too baby.  
TT: I love you too.


End file.
